mourning
10th of June, 2025full disclosure: this post is about death.
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i do not know how to mourn. i do not know how to grieve. my uncle's died recently and when i first heard the news, i thought "huh." and that's it. i don't know how to react to these things. in my head i imagine that i should be shocked or cry or do something, but instead there isn't anything much there. i didn't interact with him very often. i only saw him rarely on family gatherings.
but it is still strange to think and realise that "this is it." that i will never see that person again. i will never hear from him or talk to him or see him smile or laugh or crack a joke. i will never get to say a quick 'hi' to him during a family dinner. we weren't close but i still have memories of him. and it is strange to have a person missing in your life, no matter how distant they might have been.
i had errands to run today. i had an exam. i went to the park. i ate a burger. i texted with my friends. i sent them memes. i forgot about it for the day. i feel guilty for carrying on with my life after someone's death. when you hear the news you think that this should be all-consuming, that this should be everything you think about. that you should dedicate to it your day. but you can't pause your life, you still have responsibilities. you wake up in the morning and make breakfast and read the news and life carries on. and the world keeps turning. even if in the back of your head you are saying "he is dead. he is dead. he is dead."
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death is anti-climactic. you see it in films and you see the scenes of mourning; you see characters changed; you see it affect them. shake their belief. change their story, push them to do something. it's a call to action; it's the end and climax of the story; it's the hero's journey.
but life isn't a movie. you encounter death in life and you think "oh... that's it..." no credits, no orchestral music. moving from the news is the hardest part for me, i suppose. the fact that you have to go on, to carry on while thinking about death. i recall somebody saying that the true horror in 'cosmic horror' is not seeing it. instead, it's living your life after seeing it. how can you go on about your day knowing that that is real and somewhere out there? how can i be laughing and texting and having walks in the park while knowing that that is real and closer than i previously have thought?
i suppose death is the greatest cosmic horror.
***
you go through your life and you know what death is. you understand it conceptually. but you never truly give it any deep thought to it (perhaps you do, i never did). you're peeping at it through a keyhole but every now and then the door swings open and for the first time you see its vastness. how the road just stops. you see its fullness and you think "holy fuck." and then the door shuts in front of you yet the eerie apparition in your retina remains as a remainder of what is truly in that room. how big and scary and all-consuming it is. and you stand there, dumbfounded, unable to speak, yet the manager calls you to their desk and the morning coffee needs brewing and the teeth need cleaning and the food needs cooking.
you try to tell others about it. and those who have seen the room themselves might understand you. some might have grown number, though, can you grow number to death? can you get used to it? anyways, i think its scarier to see the room and continue living than to go there yourself. i dont want to see close people in my life die. i'd rather do it myself. but again, is that not selfish? you pass the burden of mourning from yourself to your close people. would you rather suffer yourself or make other suffer? a game without a winner.
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