getting my nails done

i have never had a chance to get a manicure when i was growing up. my friend once painted my nails red (because i asked her to) but then my mum made me take it off the next day. i was quite hurt, i didn't expect my mum to react so harshly; i think she worried that i might get bullied at school but it was painful nevertheless.

having had moved to a different country now, i have the opportunity to do whatever the fuck i want. it pains me a bit, still, not being able to share the joy of getting my nails done with my mum, but it is something that i feel like i need to hide.

i went to a different city simply to get my nails done. there is a queer friendly salon there, and it being my first time getting a manicure ever, and having grown up in a queer-hostile country, i felt the need to go to that salon specifically. an expensive endeavour, but i'd rather feel safe and spent my money, than to be riddled with anxiety throughout the entire process.

the person who did my nails was very friendly, the place was very nice, and i got to see a little bit of the neighbouring city (only an hour and a half by train). i didn't realise just how much i would love having painted nails. it's wonderful! no one's ever told me that i'd feel that good. it is very freeing being able to explore my gender away from my family and in a (somewhat) more queer-friendly place than my own. though, it is very difficult to unlearn the anxiety and fear of looking queer; add my regular social anxiety to that and my fear of shopping in women's sections of shops (because i feel like everyone knows that i'm not a "true woman"). still, i haven't felt this pretty in... pretty much ever!

i will perhaps write more of my queer experience in europe as a person from a very queer-hostile place. obviously, europe is not the most tolerant place, especially to trans women, because the entire world is not tolerant to trans women and queer folk! but it is much better here than in my country (not that i don't like my country, but it's certainly not a place where i'd feel comfortable experimenting with clothes, style, gender, etc).

love you all, buh-bye.