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how i feel about my new name

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24th of January, 2024 | 24.01.2024 | unavailable on medium

Black and white photograph of four people on a street corner. A teenage boy is walking across.

Anaemic adolescent who refused to give his name, Hine.

I am a trans woman and I was named with a boy's name. It isn't bad, I've come to like my name throughout my life. But it still doesn't feel right nor had it ever felt right. When I realised that I was trans, I've also realised that I probably need a new name. Luckily, I did come up with a new name that sounds very similar to my deadname (or necronym, as some might say). After about a year of worrying whether I was actually actually trans (most trans people know this feeling), I've got the courage to come out to my group of friends. And I have asked them to use my new name and my new pronouns. It went very smooth, they joked a little bit, but that's it. Now, whenever we text, I see them use my new name and pronouns. It took them some time to get used to it, but now they rarely make mistakes. Except, I've never really mentioned whether they should use it in real life or not (and I am too shy and afraid to mention it to them) which makes some awkward moments for me sometimes.

I have a dissonance in my head. I feel like a woman inside, I know I am one. And whenever I am alone or look in my mirror I get a glimpse of her. It sounds silly, I know that there's not a "woman living inside of me." I am a woman, no matter whether I feel like it or not. And when my friends use my new name and new pronouns online, I do feel warm and fuzzy inside. It feels great. But when it happens in real life, when I'm standing on the street with them in my large winter jacket (it gets really cold here) and I hear them use my correct pronouns, I don't really feel like a woman. My voice is not the deepest, but certainly I don't think a person would confuse it with a woman's. And me being in my large jacket doesn't really help, I feel quite large and square-y. And I am much taller than two of my friends from that group. Hearing my name and feeling that sense of being my true self so close, yet being hit with the reality of how I look like is a bit depressing.

But I do feel really good when I hear my friends call me. I'd take this compared to how I've been living before. Maybe the future isn't as bright as I might imagine it, but it's still pretty bright. Definitely better than the past and the present. No matter what changes life will bring to me, I know that any and every change is for the best. Time will pass; hardships will come and ago. Only I will remain.

'Anaemic adolescent who refused to give his name' by Hine, Lewis Wickles was used as the header photograph here. No known publication restrictions apply to the photograph. The photograph was found in the Library of Congress.

ways to contact me

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